Frenemies

When we think of the term “frenemy” often we think of the atrocious personalities in the movie Mean Girls, where the friends of the main character played by Lindsay Lohan smiled in her face but then plotted against her behind her back. Although I think that is true I want to offer another perspective on frenemies.


Frenemies are two people who actually consider themselves to be friends while perpetuating an antagonistic dynamic in their relationship. They are two people who have a common care and concern for one another but also seem to be in competition with one another. One might argue that a little competition is healthy in any relationship to serve as a “good” peer pressure. But can a true friend really be your competitor? Yes, a friend should challenge you in a way to motivate you to be your best and to bring out the best in you but not in a way that they defeat you at it.

Here are some examples.

a) You are planning to make a big purchase such as a new car or your first home. A friend will give you contacts on a good agent, a good lender, et c. however, a frenemy will decide they are going to make a big purchase too that is bigger, better, or before your purchase.

b) You are dating someone new. A friend will welcome the new person who has put that recent sparkle in eye and be just as excited as you are, but a frenemy will point out how they have been in a long term relationship and how that is more satisfying than trying to figure out somebody new.

c) A friend will treat you to dinner or a night out on the town when they know you are strapped for cash on a given occasion and think nothing of it and never bring it up again. A frenemy, on the other hand, will do the same but will bring up this instance and any other instances of such at every possible opportunity. A frenemy will even expect you to pay the next time even if they are able to pay themselves.

The characteristic of a frenemy is their often endeavors in the three B’s; to do or be Bigger, Better, and Before you. If you have a friendship that you are constantly trying to prove or demonstrate who you are and what you have then you are more than likely entangled in a frenemy relationship. I don’t over look the fact that our friends many times do spark an interest or a desire within us but that spark should not burn you or them in doing so. Also, do not get me wrong when I describe a frenemy because real friends do care enough to point out when a friend is going down a wrong path or making a detrimental life choice, but it all comes from a place of love and not belittlement. A friend will, with that advice offer some sort of assistance or an alternative with the intent to see that friend in a better place. Even still beware because frenemies disguise themselves well. They will cry with you and laugh with you but at any given moment they take the chance to show how they are better than you or how you are worse than them.

The testament of true friendship derives from humility. It has been said that friends are the family that we get to choose, and with that in mind we should all be humbled at the idea that someone cared enough about us to choose us as family and call us a friend.

To be happy or not to be happy? That is the question

So my best friend calls me this weekend to let me know that she is expecting her first baby. Of course this is a cause for celebration but admittedly selfish my enthusiasm was curbed. It's been no secret that I have been wanting another child for a couple of years now and notwithstanding the daily complaints of my only child on how lonely it is without any siblings the pressure I feel to try and make that happen often builds up. I have seen 6 other women around me become pregnant in the past year and with not even a boyfriend to even potentially become pregnant by I was a little jealous. But hey at least I can admit it right?

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Well, I ended the conversation when my BF told me rather quickly so I could mentally process the “good news.” I griped and complained to my mom and my other friends about it. Until the next morning I decided to call her back and be the friend I knew she would be with me when I tell her I am expecting again. To my surprise, my BF was not as excited as I thought she might be. She was actually very nervous and started telling me how she was going to need my help because she had no idea what it would take to be a parent. I took the time to let her know that I would be there with her every step of the way and to let her know how great of a mother I thought she would be. As I listened to the words roll off of my tongue I realized how happy I really was for my friend to be pregnant. She would be a part of the mommy sorority and we had to stick together! All in all, I cannot wait to see her all pregnant and miserable to see her and help her through the joys and the trials of motherhood. I am gonna be “Tia Cini” (Aunt Cini in Spanish).

I guess we all have selfish moments when someone gets something we want. If it had been that new BMW I have been eyeing I may have had the same slight of jealousy and then I would have gotten over it just the same because guess what? She’s my bestie and that means I get to roll in it and probably even DRIVE it if I make a big enough fuss. The same goes for her new baby. I get to enjoy the journey right along with her. So ultimately happiness isn’t in question because being happy for her is happy for me.