Frenemies

When we think of the term “frenemy” often we think of the atrocious personalities in the movie Mean Girls, where the friends of the main character played by Lindsay Lohan smiled in her face but then plotted against her behind her back. Although I think that is true I want to offer another perspective on frenemies.


Frenemies are two people who actually consider themselves to be friends while perpetuating an antagonistic dynamic in their relationship. They are two people who have a common care and concern for one another but also seem to be in competition with one another. One might argue that a little competition is healthy in any relationship to serve as a “good” peer pressure. But can a true friend really be your competitor? Yes, a friend should challenge you in a way to motivate you to be your best and to bring out the best in you but not in a way that they defeat you at it.

Here are some examples.

a) You are planning to make a big purchase such as a new car or your first home. A friend will give you contacts on a good agent, a good lender, et c. however, a frenemy will decide they are going to make a big purchase too that is bigger, better, or before your purchase.

b) You are dating someone new. A friend will welcome the new person who has put that recent sparkle in eye and be just as excited as you are, but a frenemy will point out how they have been in a long term relationship and how that is more satisfying than trying to figure out somebody new.

c) A friend will treat you to dinner or a night out on the town when they know you are strapped for cash on a given occasion and think nothing of it and never bring it up again. A frenemy, on the other hand, will do the same but will bring up this instance and any other instances of such at every possible opportunity. A frenemy will even expect you to pay the next time even if they are able to pay themselves.

The characteristic of a frenemy is their often endeavors in the three B’s; to do or be Bigger, Better, and Before you. If you have a friendship that you are constantly trying to prove or demonstrate who you are and what you have then you are more than likely entangled in a frenemy relationship. I don’t over look the fact that our friends many times do spark an interest or a desire within us but that spark should not burn you or them in doing so. Also, do not get me wrong when I describe a frenemy because real friends do care enough to point out when a friend is going down a wrong path or making a detrimental life choice, but it all comes from a place of love and not belittlement. A friend will, with that advice offer some sort of assistance or an alternative with the intent to see that friend in a better place. Even still beware because frenemies disguise themselves well. They will cry with you and laugh with you but at any given moment they take the chance to show how they are better than you or how you are worse than them.

The testament of true friendship derives from humility. It has been said that friends are the family that we get to choose, and with that in mind we should all be humbled at the idea that someone cared enough about us to choose us as family and call us a friend.